In an attempt to find solace, I turn to writing once again, hoping that by embracing the quietude of the written word, I may find release for the cacophony within. It’s uncertain whether I’ll be able to write regularly. Apparently, for the past few years, I’ve only managed to compose poems when consumed by intense emotions. However, perhaps I shall make an effort, to use this creative outlet as a means to navigate the labyrinthine paths of pressure, exhaustion, confusion, loss, wonder, and anxiety that lie before me. And through the tapestry of words, I hope to unravel everything that lies betwixt and between these emotions, finding solace in the catharsis of self-expression.
the happiness of meeting or finding someone again after a long separation
This was my one-word theme for 2022. I was hoping to rediscover myself to embrace my purpose even further, as a daughter, sister, lover, friend, student, employee, a citizen of this country, and most importantly, a child of God. This year was a conscious effort to make self-realizations and stick with my mantra, “semper ad meliora.” For that, I would give myself a tap on the back; but I wouldn’t say that it was an easy task. It was definitely a lot harder than I have imagined.
2022 was a year of breakthroughs, with the highlights happening in the last quarter. I landed a new role at work, experienced marching with my “Sablay” during the University of the Philippines Open University Ceremonial March for batch 2020 and 2021, and got another article published in the Inquirer. I am so elated to finally have my own byline on the Inquirer website.
Photo by Olive’s Studio – Los Banos
I wouldn’t dare to recall what happened month after month, whether good or bad because I might just forget things that I am supposed to mention. I’d rather go to what this year-end post is all about: a reflection. Just a caveat though – I might, at some point, exhibit self-pity, self-loathing, or worse, self-praise. The internet has never been a safe space but this page is one that I somehow own, hence I’d maximize my freedom of speech as I remind myself that my feelings are valid.
I did my best to stick with a devotional and reflectional routine since day one of 2022, but it was hit-and-miss. I tried to compensate for it by giving what I can offer to others; what I probably did wrong was that I did not ask for guidance or discernment when I gave myself away. In my attempt to reignite my purpose, I extended much of my time and effort toward friends and various causes. Helping others makes me feel good, but I guess that even in such a deed, anything excessive is dangerous.
The self-realization coupled with the self-pity now begins. I grew tired of “taking care” of other people, to the point that I really felt bad when I couldn’t provide them what they need or want or I couldn’t meet their expected outcome. I know we’re supposed to have our friends’ backs, but when it gets too much, I probably need some catching, too. I’m barely surviving, but because I was somehow expected to understand things and take action, I was forced to understand every emotion, every mood, and every situation that had been thrown on my table. I knew that my plate is full but I continued to accommodate more chunks to the point that I have set aside those that are really important. I’m not blaming anyone but myself, because, at the end of the day, every consequence is a by-product of my choices. I’ve been saying yes to many things to the point that I have been saying no to myself for the longest time.
I became unfair to my family and partner because I became too available to others and expected them to understand all the stress and pressure that I had been going through. And I deeply regret that. I continuously used up my energy and didn’t even take the time to replenish it before exerting additional force. I pushed myself too hard to the point that I already hatedsharing and lending a hand — things that I used to enjoy. What I thought would bring me serenity became my very own chaos.
Now I don’t even care if I sound too complaining because I probably am. I won’t even care to explain why I felt that way. My feelings are valid and I don’t need to open up every story, let alone the root of it all, to anyone. I have my own battles, but I am grateful for a lot of things. God has answered my prayers in mysterious ways, and whenever I am in need, I really do feel that He’s true to His promise that He will provide. It’s probably me and my unaddressed trauma that I felt the need to write about what’s on my mind on the last days of the year, not for an attempt to make others get it, but just because this is the outlet that I need. If I’m being honest, this year-end post is addressed to 2022 me. I cannot always be available. I must not be. I’ve put myself out there too much. But I survived; for now, that’s all that matters.
I am very much aware that I can never please everyone, but I felt the need to meet them halfway or even more. What knocked me down was what was supposed to be voluntary suddenly felt like a chore because it was already demanded from me. My time, my effort, my understanding of things. And since I wanted to meet people at least halfway, I demanded myself to give in even though it was already emotionally exhausting. Damn, it feels good to actually acknowledge that. I was in denial that I am a people-pleaser for a freaking long time.
My boyfriend has been constantly reminding me to bekind to myself as much as I am to others, but here’s a plot twist: I never considered myself as kind. My inner child is filled with insecurities, confusion, and dismissed emotions to a great extent that I am convinced to think I’m a bad person trying to find my redemption arc. If my life was a novel, I’d probably be a villain protagonist with a character designed to seek a peaceful ending but would be planting traps in every chapter.
I chose to pacify others’ pandemonium instead of getting to the bottom of it because I feared conflict. I opted to satisfy my need for validation and failed to accept that life is simply how I make it and that I better just play with the cards I am dealt with. I succumbed to pressure and insistence without asking myself first if I still have something to give.“Nemo dat quod non habet” is a basic law principle that says you cannot give what you do not have. The joke’s on me; I became oblivious that it’s also applicable in real life.
I kept on being the adult in various situations because I have architectured myself as one. It took me a while to realize that to satisfy my inner peace, I must heal my inner child. It’s a battle I’m continuously fighting and struggling with, and it’s probably hard to make people understand, but so long as God does, I know I’ll get there. I am no longer in pursuit of others’ approval. I’m done living three decades of it, so now I’m leaving it.
I probably got reunited with myself this year. Long story short, I somehow achieved retrouvaille. In 2023, I’ll strive for inner peace. I’ll work hard for healing. To my dearest inner child, this year, I’m choosing you. This time, I am choosing ME.
Random Highlights
Ear Candy: Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift
Book Suggestion: Love for Imperfect Things: How to Accept Yourself in a World Striving for Perfection by Haemin Sunim
Dream-come-true Destination: Boracay, July 2022
Fave Adventure: Sand Dunes, Ilocos Sur
One for the books: Spontaneous one-day trip to Baguio, my sister’s birthday
The featured photo used on the banner was taken from Sta. Maria Goretti Parish – Christmas Eve Mass album.
It’s been a while. Here’s a piece that I wrote about my law school journey. This was an entry for a poetry competition, though I did not make it. Fortunately, I’d be able to publish it on my own.
Incidentally, my last life update was also around this time last year, right when I was about to enroll as a sophomore in law school. Singing One Direction’s hit now, “Does it ever drive you crazy just how fast the night changes?” It only seems so yesterday when I was a freshman who was psyched about entering law school; now I’m in my third year, still having that burning passion inside me to become a lawyer, but I have to tell you, there have been many doubts along the way.
As someone who’s about to enter her third decade on earth less than a year from now, I cannot help but look at the past decade of my adult life. Two degrees, one certification, and two years in law school but I still feel that I haven’t accomplished much. There are days when I still feel left out and feel like I’ve been stuck in this bubble that I couldn’t get out of. I question my decisions, the timing, and everything else in between. I’m not sure if this is actually me having an existential crisis as I’m nearing the big 3-0, but I have to say that these thoughts aren’t pretty.
With God’s grace, I was able to pass all my subjects again, though the second semester was really challenging because we got re-blocked and I got separated from my “constant” law school buddies. Things got bearable though because the block that I got into was really warm and it was really easy to adjust. I also got appointed as the Features Section Editor of the Gazette and elected as the Vice President for Internal Affairs of the Law Student Council. You’d probably think that there’s so much going on my plate – full-time work, full-load units, student publication, student government. But trust me, these things keep me going. I would crave rest sometimes but I would just then want to go back in action. That’s probably my nature.
To be honest, though, it’s really tiring to be a working student. It’s hard to work all day and study all night. It’s frustrating to be on a “busy work day” and actually work while in class because I have a deadline to meet. It’s disappointing to memorize provisions and study your cases, only to not remember everything I’ve studied the night before. It’s heartbreaking to postpone an anniversary dinner with my boyfriend because I have an exam. It’s sad to just meet my friends once every five months because I can only meet them at the end of the semester. It’s upsetting to miss out on family gatherings because I have to study. I just thank God that He helps me to live one day at a time. Every day I feel like I’m barely surviving but surprisingly, I am able to make it out alive every single day. And for that, I am beyond grateful.
Long story short, it’s been an exhausting year. And the next school year will probably be a lot harder. I’m not sure if I’m ready, but I believe that you’re never too ready unless you try. So even though I’m full of anxiety right now, I would just say that I’m up for it and keep on reminding myself that this is the dream.
Is law school hard? Yes, and to say that it’s [just] hard is actually an understatement. It’s more than that. But it’s a story that I would love to tell once I reach the destination. May I always be reminded that this is not a race so that I would be able to allow myself to let things be if I need to rest.
This was my entry for PLM Law Gazette’s Write it Season 2 (Editorial/Essay Writing Contest) with the theme “What makes a good public servant?” last September 2021 where I won second place. A shortened version of this piece was published in The Philippine Daily Inquirer (broadsheet and online) later in October. You may read the published article in the Inquirer here.
If you have read or watched Harry Potter, Voldemort’s name must ring a bell. As the villain in the story, he is considered the most notorious wizard of all time. Feared, self-centered, and dangerous, he has nothing in mind but his pursuit of power, at least in the world of witchcraft and wizardry.
As much as we wish to live in fantasy, we are all forced to face the reality. In 2020, the pandemic hit the world without any sorcerer’s stone in our pockets. In our country, a lot of “Voldemorts” were revealed. Many are still at large because they have the power to hide under invisibility cloaks. In fact, even before the COVID scare began, they have already been roaming around, killing innocent lives with one “Avada Kedavra” shoot of a gun in the infamous Drug War. The magic word “nanlaban” would exempt them from being responsible for the lives lost. Despite the absence of justification for these actions, we never heard the Voldemorts admit that killing is not the solution. As a matter of fact, we never heard them present a solution; rather, just a series of incomprehensible plans to eradicate the country’s longstanding problem with drugs.
Most recently, the Department of Health (DOH) went trending because of the findings of the Commission on Audit (COA). According to COA, P67.32 billion funds were allegedly mismanaged which contributed to the challenges that the country has faced in addressing this crisis. Not so long ago, the Philippine Health Insurance Corporation (PhilHealth) also faced controversy as regards the P15 billion funds that were allegedly lost to corruption. Again, the Voldemorts never acknowledged that something is wrong with the system. Instead, they just swished their wands to tamper with the pieces of evidence in one flick.
As we move on to the present time, our fight against COVID-19 continuously becomes a losing battle. The numbers are rising, but apparently, the Voldemorts still claim that we are on the right track and that the government is responding to the crisis better than they are expected to. Indeed, no country was ever prepared for the pandemic to occur, but there were leaders who were able to make things happen because of their sincere aim to save their people from more positive cases, job losses, economic downfalls, and deaths. While we are stuck with the use of face shields as a way to prevent ourselves from acquiring COVID, other countries are now slowly looking at the world like it’s 2019 because they have public servants who really have the heart for service.
But what about us?
Section 1, Article XI of the 1987 Constitution provides, “Public office is a public trust. Public officers and employees must, at all times, be accountable to the people, serve them with utmost responsibility, integrity, loyalty, and efficiency; act with patriotism and justice, and lead modest lives.”
Public trust is the power and duty that our public officials have once they are elected. Since the Philippines is a democratic country, public officials are elected by the people, thus, public officials ought to serve the people with “utmost responsibility, integrity, loyalty, and efficiency,” just like what is provided in our Constitution.
When we say public trust, we mean transparency. It is the responsibility of our public servants to inform us where our taxes went. When there is alleged corruption, it shall be duly investigated to assure us that our hard-earned money, as the people of this country who comply with our duty to the State to pay taxes, is not being kept in the pockets of the Voldemorts in power.
We mean loyalty and patriotism. We own the West Philippine Sea, and we should be fighting for what is ours. Our public servants should be loyal not to a person, but to the country and to its people. Our officials should be serving us, the Filipinos, and not a family of “dark wizards” who just follow a bigger Voldemort out there and want nothing but to sit on the throne and gain power.
We mean integrity, honesty, and dignity.Whether we like it or not, our elected public officials represent us before the world because they represent the vote of the people. They represent our values and ideals, and if they do not have the virtue of integrity, honesty, and dignity, then we are doomed to be fooled by those in power. Without these three, empathy and compassion are already out of the equation, and self-interest is shelved as the top priority rather than the interest of the people. Being a public servant is more than just the popularity in one’s name, but the character attached to it. In Harry Potter’s story, everybody knew Voldemort, but they also knew that he “must not be named.”
A good public servant embraces the true meaning of public service. Good public servants know that they are accountable to the very reason why they hold the office in the first place – the Filipino people. They hold power because we, the public, entrusted them with our lives, properties, and rights. To lead is to serve, and serving is more than just the position being held. Public service is leading with justice and modesty, and a good public servant should know that serving their people with sincerity means having their constituents say their name without fear. Ergo, a good public servant is not a Voldemort.
Enraptured Reality 