Everyday Survival

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I need a reset button in my life now.

I wake up every morning trying to think what my life would’ve been if I was born in a different place or a different time. I’ve started to wonder what life would’ve been if I could restart everything and erase the past and present, all my memories included.

But no. There are a lot of memories that I just can’t let go. There are a lot of memories that, even though I’ve encountered pain, could actually overpower all those tears and trials that I had been through.

Eleutheromania. According to Wiktionary, this means “a great desire or obsession with freedom.” With that, I think I have found the perfect definition of what I really want in life: FREEDOM.

Everything in my life seems to be controlled – from the clothes I wear, to my little decisions and up to the very desires of my heart.

I’ve never actually cared about what others would say about my actions, but I am never allowed to become who I really am. I have to be prim and proper, and I have to stick with the values taught by the society to be respected and to be accepted. What’s worse, I do not even know who I really am. One thing’s for sure though – I am not who I am.

I am not after material things, I am after the experience. I am not after the looks and the riches, I am after the company and care. I am not after the status and fame, I am after the enjoyment and happiness. I am always after what I had been taught be of no numerical value.

Perhaps I’m different. Perhaps for me, living in accordance with the norms isn’t actually living, but merely existing. Perhaps for me, being accepted by everyone because you are what the society considers good is actually no good at all. Perhaps for me, you don’t have to dwell in the past to make the most out of everything. Perhaps for me, books and coffee are simply the most perfect pair in the world. Perhaps for me, mountains and oceans are more wonderful than extravagantly engineered buildings. BUT I WASN’T TAUGHT THAT WAY. THE SOCIETY HAS TAUGHT US OTHERWISE.

I wish we were taught that numbers will always be just numbers, and that the best things in life can never be measured. I wish I had learned earlier what life really means. I wish I had the courage to really follow my heart and care less so I can take charge of my happiness. I wish I had the courage to really live this life.

I know I can’t take my status, my recognitions, and my wealth to the grave, but I can carry with me all the wonderful memories until the next life. But how can I, if each time that I let my real self out, I am judged and I am called selfish?

I am intimately murdered every day with emotional blackmail. I wish I could still have the chance to make it.

Finding Happiness

I’ve heard a thousand times that happiness comes from within, and that in order to completely be happy, you should follow your heart.

But what if in following your heart, you’re going to hurt people? You’re going to to hurt those people who have always been there for you from the very beginning… Those who have never left your side even when you’ve already disappointed them a hundred times… How could you be happy if your personal preference of happiness is not the happiness of the people who care for you?

I wonder, if I had been strong enough to follow my will, to stick with what I want and to stand for what I believe in, would I completely be happy? Is listening to your heart synonymous to becoming selfish?

I have always become mindful of following whatever the knowledgeable would say. Perhaps they know what’s best for me, I would tell myself. They’re never going to ask me to do things that will put me into harm. Yes, they won’t. Definitely. They want the best for me so much that even my emotions must be controlled. But…

What about me, myself and I? What about my personal choice? If following your heart means being selfish and if being selfish means you’re nothing but an ingrate, then how do you find complete happiness? How do you find yourself when you’re a lost wanderlust in this world because you were never allowed to explore in the first place? How do you know when everything’s just too much and you just have to put yourself first this time? How do you know when it’s time to spread your own wings to fly to the direction where your heart is telling you to go? When everybody’s saying “Go North,” when is it finally right to go South, the path you’ve always wanted to take?

It’s frustrating, indeed, to be in a world where you have to feel happy because you’ve pleased those who have done nothing but to put you on top. You want to make them smile, you want to make them proud, you want to make them elated, but you want to make sure you’re not banning yourself from happiness, too. It’s frustrating when you can’t do them at the same time. It’s sickening to always have choices and you have to give something up, and you’re left with two excruciating options – to give up what you love, and to give up what you love.

Tell me now, how do you find happiness?