Can I go home?


They said when you’re down,

When behind every smile is a frown,

Take a quick drive and you will reach

A special nook by the beach;

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Everyday Survival

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I need a reset button in my life now.

I wake up every morning trying to think what my life would’ve been if I was born in a different place or a different time. I’ve started to wonder what life would’ve been if I could restart everything and erase the past and present, all my memories included.

But no. There are a lot of memories that I just can’t let go. There are a lot of memories that, even though I’ve encountered pain, could actually overpower all those tears and trials that I had been through.

Eleutheromania. According to Wiktionary, this means “a great desire or obsession with freedom.” With that, I think I have found the perfect definition of what I really want in life: FREEDOM.

Everything in my life seems to be controlled – from the clothes I wear, to my little decisions and up to the very desires of my heart.

I’ve never actually cared about what others would say about my actions, but I am never allowed to become who I really am. I have to be prim and proper, and I have to stick with the values taught by the society to be respected and to be accepted. What’s worse, I do not even know who I really am. One thing’s for sure though – I am not who I am.

I am not after material things, I am after the experience. I am not after the looks and the riches, I am after the company and care. I am not after the status and fame, I am after the enjoyment and happiness. I am always after what I had been taught be of no numerical value.

Perhaps I’m different. Perhaps for me, living in accordance with the norms isn’t actually living, but merely existing. Perhaps for me, being accepted by everyone because you are what the society considers good is actually no good at all. Perhaps for me, you don’t have to dwell in the past to make the most out of everything. Perhaps for me, books and coffee are simply the most perfect pair in the world. Perhaps for me, mountains and oceans are more wonderful than extravagantly engineered buildings. BUT I WASN’T TAUGHT THAT WAY. THE SOCIETY HAS TAUGHT US OTHERWISE.

I wish we were taught that numbers will always be just numbers, and that the best things in life can never be measured. I wish I had learned earlier what life really means. I wish I had the courage to really follow my heart and care less so I can take charge of my happiness. I wish I had the courage to really live this life.

I know I can’t take my status, my recognitions, and my wealth to the grave, but I can carry with me all the wonderful memories until the next life. But how can I, if each time that I let my real self out, I am judged and I am called selfish?

I am intimately murdered every day with emotional blackmail. I wish I could still have the chance to make it.

Minding Your Own

You obey the rules just because they are rules. You don’t do things because the norms say they’re unacceptable. But have you ever asked yourself why?

You were given your own mind to use – to think, speak, feel and decide for yourself. Yet, you do not maximize the capacity of your ability to discern over certain matters because you are guarded by what others might say. You care about what they might think of you, and that keeps you from showing the world who you really are. That’s what makes you hide behind that different person who wants to be accepted because of the need to belong. But can’t you see? That’s not you. It’s somebody else.

I had been there – struggling to become the good one. Because it’s what I had to become. Because it’s what is acceptable. But I wasn’t happy. You know what I realized? I had to get out of my shell. Not that I chose to be bad, but I decided to be real. I realized what I really want, and I knew right then that I could be anything that I aim to be for as long as I am not stepping on anyone’s feet. You’re going to hurt people once you choose to become the real you – you are even going to hurt the people you love, yes, but if it’s not what you really intend to do, remember that it’s okay. It happens. People are going to hurt you, too, and this isn’t getting even. This isn’t making others feel what others made you feel. It’s part of the cycle. It’s part of reality. It’s part of everyone’s life. Just as it is to love and to be loved, it is normal to hurt and to get hurt.

It’s not being selfish, it’s being you. It’s being what you choose to be. It’s getting out of your shell to be what everyone wants to be – to be happy. At the end of it all, it’s about being happy, and it’s all about you. People will judge you, but why would you care? The people who really value you will accept you no matter what anyway.

Stand up and leave that mask you’re using to cover your real glitter. You’re going to shine better once you decide to show your real skin. 😉