Guard Your Heart

12 of #100HappyThings

The past three months of my self-imposed recovery period was pathetic. I admit that I had been ranting over Twitter and Snapchat about irrelevant stuff. I had to let it all out until there’s no more, until I can finally say, “Hey, I’m done with it.”

Experiences like this will happen to us in our lifetime at least once, and it will make us question our worth, lower our self-esteem, wonder why we weren’t good enough despite everything we’ve done – it will make us ask ourselves, “What’s wrong with you?” I wouldn’t deny becoming the annoying crazy ex-girlfriend. No, I never begged for him to come back, I didn’t even thought of asking him to reconcile to be friends again. I needed time. I needed to feel sad and angry to make me say that I’m finally okay. And as I write the words right at this very moment, it feels good to not feel any grudge anymore towards the people who hurt me. It feels good to finally say without bitterness, “Thank God it happened.”

Though there are still some flashbacks that cross my memory sometimes, I’m glad that they’re already blurry. There are no more vivid views of them at the back of my mind. I still do have regrets, yes, but I still have a bigger life in front of me, and that’s what matters.

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And so I say this to myself: Let yourself fall, but guard your heart, and let God unfold whatever it is that He has planned for you. Your perfect time with the perfect person will come. Just trust Him.

Haiku Collection: Confusions

haiku

 

She’s been torn and thrown;

She’s trying to build it back

To be whole again.

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She is rising now

After falling to her knees;

She is surviving.

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Hindi mawari

Ang kanyang nasa isip;

Walang may nais.

***********

Sinusubukan.

Ngayo’y hindi makita;

Ako’y nabulag.

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Decode my actions,

Remember little details,

And forget me not.

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Here Comes the End

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Photo from Google

 

I hated myself,

I hated the time,

I hated the heartache,

I hated goodbye;

Now I’m loving myself

As I heal on my own,

I’m loving my time

As I take things a little slow;

I’m loving the love

That I’m giving my heart,

I’m loving the beginning

As I make a brand new start.

#100HappyThings Project

The past few weeks had really been a challenge for me. I battled with mild depression due to several circumstances. I wasn’t able to eat right for around two weeks or so and suffered insomnia as well. I kind of lost my normal cheerful self, but I think I did my best in faking my mood. I did my best to keep up though. After a week of drinking glasses of cocktails and beer instead of dealing with the real stuff, I decided to cross out that scene and went to catch-up dates with my friends instead. Indeed, going out in the open helped me recover.

The whole month of May had been a rollercoaster of emotions. It made me realize a lot of things. As I gather every single day of struggle in my memory, I can’t help but be proud of how I am able to smile now… Of how I am able to smile genuinely again. I have never felt this kind of liberation for a long time, and I thank God for unlocking my cages. This time, I’m ready to see the world without anything that’s holding me back. This time, I am ready to take over. This time, I am ready to heal.

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That’s why I’m launching my first project for 2016: #100HappyThings. I guess I’ll be doing this as part of my own healing process. The moment I reach the 100th Happy Thing, I know I will already be a better, stronger and wiser person than who I am now.

It’s time.

“But here’s the deal, sweet stranger. You deserve to be the protagonist of your own wonderful, bizarre, terrifying little life. If you decide you are enough, you are enough. You don’t need to wait for some grand external validation of your worth before you offer your kindest heart to yourself.”

(Kathy Brown,A Letter To The Woman Who Won’t Buy Herself Flowers)

Akala Ko

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Ang sabi mo sa akin,
“Kakayanin.
Kahit anong mangyari,
kakayanin.”

Naniwala ako.
Naniwala ako sa lahat ng mga sinabi mo,
Sa lahat ng mga pangako mo
Dahil alam kong hindi ikaw yung taong walang paninindigan.

Pero bakit bigla na lang?
Noong isang araw,
Buong buo ka pang akin.
Noong isang araw,
Hindi pa mapigilan ang iyong ngiti nang ako’y dumating.
Noong isang araw,
Hindi mo pa ako halos pakawalan sa pagkayakap mo sa akin.
Noong isang araw,
Ikaw pa mismo ang nagsabing,
“Balang araw,
Hindi na natin kailangang magpaalam pa.
Hindi na natin kailangang mahirapan pa
Dahil tayo’y magkakasama na
At hindi na mapaghihiwalay pa.”

Oo, naniwala ako sa’yo.
Naniwala ako sa lahat ng mga sinabi mo.
Binuksan ko ang buo kong pagkatao
Para makita mong wala ako sa’yong itinatago
At mapatunayan kong
Walang ibang nilalaman ang puso ko.

Masakit.
Ikaw yung unang nagsabing,
“Mahal kita.”
Pero bakit ikaw din ang unang nagsabi na
“Ayoko na?”
Gusto mo ba talagang laging nauuna?

Pero naniniwala pa rin ako sa’yo.
Sa lahat nang sinabi mo noon na hindi ka susuko.
Sa lahat nang sinabi mo na kakayanin natin kahit na ano.
Naniniwala ako
Na pagsubok lang ito.
Dahil ngayon pa ba?
Ngayon pa ba na ikaw at ako ay masasabi mo nang iisa?
Na sa dami ng pinagdaanan natin,
Andito pa rin ako at andito ka pa?

Pero wala ka na.
Wala ka na.
Akala ko panghahawakan mo yung mga sinabi mo,
Pero wala ka na.

Akala ko hindi ka lalayo,
Pero nagpaalam ka.
Akala ko matibay tayo,
Pero bumitaw ka.
Akala ko hindi mo ako pakakawalan,
Pero tumigil ka.
Tumigil kang lumaban.
Tumigil kang ipaglaban ako
Na akala ko gagawin mo hanggang sa dulo.

Akala ko kakayanin natin,
Pero hindi pala.
Kahit sinabi kong maghihintay ako,
Kahit sinabi kong gagawin ko ang lahat at andito lang ako sa tabi mo,
Anong magagawa ko kung sinabi mong
Ayaw mo na?
Sobrang sakit nung sinabi mong,
“Ayoko na.”

Akala ko kasi kaya pa.
Akala ko kasi hindi ka susuko.
Akala ko lang pala ang lahat.

Pero hindi kita masisisi.
Hindi ko masisisi dahil lahat sa paligid nilalayo ka sa akin,
At nilalayo ako sa’yo.
Buong mundo ay ayaw kang maging sa akin,
At ayaw akong maging sa’yo.
Lahat ng pagkakataon,
inilalayo ka sa akin,
at inilalayo ako sa’yo.
Ang bigat.
Ang bigat na mahal mo ako at mahal kita,
Pero hindi sapat ang pagmamahal na iyon
Para hanggang sa huli ay tayo pa ring dalawa.
Ang bigat na kailangan mong mamili,
Ako o ang kinabukasan mo,
At hindi ako ang dapat mong piliin
Dahil hindi pwede.
Hindi pwede sa ngayon.
At baka hindi na rin pwede bukas.

Pero sinubukan natin,
At kinaya natin.
Kinaya natin ng matagal na panahon.
Pero baka napagod ka na.
Napagod ka na dahil wala talagang kasiguraduhan sa ating dalawa.
Na kapag pinili natin ang isa’t isa,
May mga bagay na kailangan nating bitawan,
Pero sa ngayon,
Ang pinaka-tamang gawin
Ay bitawan ang isa’t isa.

Nasanay ako na andito ka palagi sa tabi ko,
Nasanay ako na sa’yo ako tumatakbo pag umiiyak ako,
Hindi yung ikaw ang iiyakan ko,
Nasanay ako.

Masakit nang sinabi mong,
“Ayoko na,”
Pero mas masakit nung sinabi mong sumunod na
“Nandito pa rin ako.”
Mas masakit nung sinabi mong,
“Sana maintindihan mo.”
Mas masakit nung sinabi mong,
“Ingat ka,”
Pero wala nang kasunod na
“Mahal kita.”
Mas masakit nung sinabi kong,
“Handa akong maghintay,”
Pero sumagot kang,
“Hindi natin alam kung anong pwedeng mangyari bukas.”

Akala ko kakayanin mo,
Akala ko kakayanin natin.
Akala ko lang pala ang lahat.
Akala ko lang.

 

/*Photo from Google Images*/