Seeking Purpose

Lost is an understatement.

2019, so far, is full of realisations. Thankfully, my anxiety has been friendly and I haven’t had any major attack yet, and little by little, I am beginning to figure what I really want, or at least what I want at the moment.

Adulthood is a process I am both lucky and unlucky to go through. At this point, I have made the questions where am I supposed to be? What do I want? Why am I still here? How do I escape? And many more questions that I can’t seem to find the answer. But maybe adulthood isn’t really about finding the answers, rather asking more, until you find it.

To be honest, I can’t feel any fulfillment with what I am doing right now. Maybe it’s too stiff. Maybe it’s not the right place for me. Maybe I’m just not used to it. Maybe I’m just bored. Maybe, maybe… Maybe. It’s a stage full of maybe’s. But this time, I am determined to find the yes or the no to these maybe’s.

I haven’t found my purpose yet, but I know I will. I may not find fulfillment with what I am doing right now, but I won’t stop in seeking things that will make me feel like I did something really worthy, and that I made a good influence.

One day, maybe sooner or maybe later, I’ll share something in this blog, finally saying, “I’ve found it.”

Everyday Survival

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I need a reset button in my life now.

I wake up every morning trying to think what my life would’ve been if I was born in a different place or a different time. I’ve started to wonder what life would’ve been if I could restart everything and erase the past and present, all my memories included.

But no. There are a lot of memories that I just can’t let go. There are a lot of memories that, even though I’ve encountered pain, could actually overpower all those tears and trials that I had been through.

Eleutheromania. According to Wiktionary, this means “a great desire or obsession with freedom.” With that, I think I have found the perfect definition of what I really want in life: FREEDOM.

Everything in my life seems to be controlled – from the clothes I wear, to my little decisions and up to the very desires of my heart.

I’ve never actually cared about what others would say about my actions, but I am never allowed to become who I really am. I have to be prim and proper, and I have to stick with the values taught by the society to be respected and to be accepted. What’s worse, I do not even know who I really am. One thing’s for sure though – I am not who I am.

I am not after material things, I am after the experience. I am not after the looks and the riches, I am after the company and care. I am not after the status and fame, I am after the enjoyment and happiness. I am always after what I had been taught be of no numerical value.

Perhaps I’m different. Perhaps for me, living in accordance with the norms isn’t actually living, but merely existing. Perhaps for me, being accepted by everyone because you are what the society considers good is actually no good at all. Perhaps for me, you don’t have to dwell in the past to make the most out of everything. Perhaps for me, books and coffee are simply the most perfect pair in the world. Perhaps for me, mountains and oceans are more wonderful than extravagantly engineered buildings. BUT I WASN’T TAUGHT THAT WAY. THE SOCIETY HAS TAUGHT US OTHERWISE.

I wish we were taught that numbers will always be just numbers, and that the best things in life can never be measured. I wish I had learned earlier what life really means. I wish I had the courage to really follow my heart and care less so I can take charge of my happiness. I wish I had the courage to really live this life.

I know I can’t take my status, my recognitions, and my wealth to the grave, but I can carry with me all the wonderful memories until the next life. But how can I, if each time that I let my real self out, I am judged and I am called selfish?

I am intimately murdered every day with emotional blackmail. I wish I could still have the chance to make it.

Poison

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She just wanted to think for herself,
To act like herself,
To be her real self…

But she was never allowed to.

Her neck was held
So tight she can’t breathe,
She can’t live.

She just exists.