When things just don’t fall into place

I was about to write a Randomly Today post when I came across this October 2017 draft. I believe I was in one of my lowest points during this moment, about two years ago. It says:

Right now, I should be working on my powerpoint presentation for the workshop that I’ll be facilitating tomorrow about presentation skills. I’m not really sure if I’m the right person to discuss this over business unit finance heads and staff, but I’d like to believe that I had been given this task because I can do it. As much as I’d like to focus in doing what I am supposed to do, I just can’t put my mind on it.
For months, I’ve been juggling my day job, some freelance projects in Upwork, postgrad studies, and youth leader duties for our church community. It hasn’t been easy, but despite my battle with the state of my mental health, I was, and still am, able to pull through with it.
Truth to be told, however, things don’t always go the way you want them to. I’m not sure if this is quarter life crisis, but I actually feel like it is.

 

As you can see, the 24-year-old me was in her confused state. I also remember that this was the time when I decided that it’s time to quit my job and seek growth and peace in a new place.

Looking back, being in this crisis really tested my patience, control, understanding, and everything physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Was I able to conquer it? I think I did. Right now, even though I’m still visited by random thoughts of sadness and confusion, I am happy to say that I am already well and sound to handle them. Maybe I already got through that phase, or maybe I have already learned the art of dealing with this phase. Either way, the 26-year-old me has learned to find joy in the simplest things and to appreciate my own clock.

Maybe two years ago, I was insecure and pitied myself that my contemporaries have already reached significant milestones in their careers or have gone to places while I still didn’t have the chance to. But they are right. We don’t have to compare. Little by little, I have embraced my situation, and things gradually fell into place. I smile as I re-read the title of this post which was written on that one sad day of October 2017.

When things just don’t fall into place, just let them. Let life get messy. Let your world collide. Allow yourself to experience confusion and pain and sadnessLet yourself find you. Don’t rush. Enjoy the journey. 🙂

2019 Randomly Today Vol. 1

Apparently, I haven’t written any post for the Randomly Today series for 2018, so I guess this serves as a reset of wanting to update what I’ve been into lately.

Writing

this post! I came across a blog that made me feel like it’s time to have another entry under this tag. The last time I wrote one was 2017.

Listening

to the sound of the air-conditioner and random voices sharing stories, although I’ve been LSSed to Game of Thrones intro since last night. The final episode aired yesterday and my heart is still on a high knowing that one of the greatest series I’ve ever watched has already ended. Special thanks to my boyfriend for introducing this series to me! I claim to be a late bloomer, because I haven’t binge-watched all the previous episodes until 2016!

Thinking

about my Law School dream. I’m officially done with second year in my Postgraduate Diploma in Computer Science. I still have three subjects to deal with on my third year before I could write PGD after my name.

I initially planned on taking Masters of Development Communication and Doctor of Communication afterwards, but after realizing that it’s gonna take me at least six years to be an MDC-DComm, my first dream came into picture once again. I still believe that Law School is for me, and 2020 will be the year to begin my journey of becoming an Atty. Let’s claim it!

Hoping

for my colds to go away! I’ve already been drinking plenty of warm water to stop this. I can’t have my nose running on my beach trip this weekend! Fast-forward to Friday, please!

Wearing

a green long-sleeved turtleneck and black pants. It’s a basic kind of Tuesday.

Wanting

for the weekend to come soon! I’ll be going to Calaguas and Naga for a beach trip and for my boyfriend’s niece’s birthday. I can’t wait for this quick vacation! Talk about not dealing with numbers for four days.

Needing

a gym break. I have to let myself rest and heal because I really want my colds to go away asap. Although I feel sad about skipping the gym for the next days, I have to. 😦

 

I am sincerely hoping that this wouldn’t be the first and last for 2019. 🙂 Hope you’re doing well! xx

Randomly Today series is inspired by siddarhornton‘s The Sunday Currently.

Seeking Purpose

Lost is an understatement.

2019, so far, is full of realisations. Thankfully, my anxiety has been friendly and I haven’t had any major attack yet, and little by little, I am beginning to figure what I really want, or at least what I want at the moment.

Adulthood is a process I am both lucky and unlucky to go through. At this point, I have made the questions where am I supposed to be? What do I want? Why am I still here? How do I escape? And many more questions that I can’t seem to find the answer. But maybe adulthood isn’t really about finding the answers, rather asking more, until you find it.

To be honest, I can’t feel any fulfillment with what I am doing right now. Maybe it’s too stiff. Maybe it’s not the right place for me. Maybe I’m just not used to it. Maybe I’m just bored. Maybe, maybe… Maybe. It’s a stage full of maybe’s. But this time, I am determined to find the yes or the no to these maybe’s.

I haven’t found my purpose yet, but I know I will. I may not find fulfillment with what I am doing right now, but I won’t stop in seeking things that will make me feel like I did something really worthy, and that I made a good influence.

One day, maybe sooner or maybe later, I’ll share something in this blog, finally saying, “I’ve found it.”

Through the Wheels

Marching into a Better Year

Hollah! I turned a year older last month and looking back, I believe the #TheClverJourney was one helluva ride. It’s been happy, sad, exciting, anxious, frustrating, fulfilling, and everything in between. And although I’m not yet sure if I was finally able to conquer my quarter life crises, I think I deserve a tap on the back for making it through this far without having a major breakdown. Hooray for that!

The next number is a whole new chapter, and I am all into investing to self-love – mind, body, soul. I recently leaned into healthy eating habits and availed a gym membership. Honestly, it’s all giving me a positive outlook and mood every day. I guess endorphins really do their work, huh? 🙂

It’s already the third of twelve 2019 months, and although there were already twists and turns earlier this year, I know that the rest of the year still has lot to offer, and the best and worst are yet to come.

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I am soooo ready to embrace the beauty of living. To lesser kicks of anxiety and to more hacks of bravery, yes? Let’s do this! 🙂