A Tear for Fear

First of the year.

I’m trying my best to cope with something that I’ve been going through lately, so I guess I’m sorry, self, for starting the year (and the decade) with a sad piece.

Stuck in a Box

Art by Robin Cox Walsh

 

For the most years of my life, I have always felt suffocated. I couldn’t breathe. It’s like I keep on drowning repeatedly even though I know how to swim… Or maybe I don’t? I feel choked and I couldn’t ask for help because I couldn’t scream. I am in a constant state of struggle. And what makes it even worse is that I don’t know when this will end, and if it ever will.

I am doing my best to see the bright side, or at least the less of the dark. But the more I try to shed some light, the more I see the shadows that keep on blocking the that little spark. I’ve been trying. I still am. But in every step forward, there are always two steps back. And I’m tired of exerting all my effort to push when everything’s just pulling me, and here obviously progress is not an option.

I thought life is more than walls and edges… But why am I still inside this cube?

I don’t want a new box. I just need this one where I’m stuck to open.

2019 Randomly Today Vol. 2

Hollah! Today is June’s last working day. It’s been a long week for me, so here I am squeezing in a Randomly Today entry. 🙂

Reading

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling for the second time and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson. I’ve also been reading some articles about how to prepare for the Philippine Law School Admission Test (PhiLSAT) and law schools’ entrance exams.

Watching

Lucifer on Netflix. I’m planning to watch the last episode of Season 3 on my way home later to kill traffic time.

Writing

a study plan and schedule as preparation for the PhiLSAT and law aptitude/admission exams (LAE’s).

Thinking

of how am I going home if it rains hard when I log out. Please, no. 😦

Wanting

a good and long sleep tonight. The weather is just too friendly for that.

Wearing

a white Harry Potter fan shirt! I solemnly swear that I am up to no good!

Needing

to go back to the gym and resume working out! I feel really bloated. I haven’t visited the gym for a month now — talk about wasting a month of membership fee. Next week’s probably good for a come back. But first, I gotta fix my sched.

Feeling

full! Lunch earlier was really heavy, so heavy that I might actually skip dinner and finally get a well-deserved zzzz…

 

That’s all for today’s random life update. Hope everything’s been going well with you! xx

Randomly Today series is inspired by siddarhornton‘s The Sunday Currently.

 

A Lighthouse from Above

Allow me to make this post as tribute to my grandmother who passed away last June 7, Friday.

Lighthouse - Nagudungan Hill
Nagudungan Hill, Calayan Islands, Cagayan | Photo by Claudine Faylogna

Call me lucky. I was able to meet my grandmothers from both sides. I remember my Nang Tura and my Tang Choy, my dad’s parents, visiting our place almost every year when I was still young despite the four to six hours of boat ride and ten to twelve hours of bus run. It was more feasible for them to pay a visit in the Metro than having us leave school and work (for my parents back then) to go to our province in Calayan Islands, Cagayan since boat trip schedule isn’t regular. Trips depend on the wind and waves’ friendliness.

I was supposed to wait for the regular operations of the recently inaugurated airport so I can finally visit my parents’ hometown without any unexpected extension of stay. But I guess Nang Tura couldn’t wait for that anymore.

I was at the office when I read my Mom’s message at our family group chat. We immediately booked a bus ride going to Cagayan to catch the earliest boat trip we could hop into. While on our way, it still didn’t sink in to me yet. I just thought, Nang’s already old, and what happened is actually inevitable for all of us. But as I have seen the shoreline of North’s paradise, things were slowly settling in.

Last Christmas, she was with us, singing. Last New Year’s eve, she was with us, dancing. I just never thought that last Christmas and New year’s eve would actually be her last.

Upon reaching my Auntie’s house (which is just within my Dad’s family’s compound) where my Nang lies for her wake, I felt all the regrets a granddaughter could feel. I wish I had spent more time with her. I wish I had told her more stories. I wish I had made plans earlier to visit her in the province from time to time. But none of these wishes matter now, because they will now remain to be just wishes. Regrets, rather.

On another note, I am thankful that we got to spend her last Christmas and New Year’s eve together. I am glad that she was still able to meet Errol. I am happy that she was able to see us, her granddaughters, grow. I am just grateful that she was able to live a good and content life, and see how wonderful the world is for 76 years.

It’s been three weeks. And I swear that reality came into a hard hit when they opened her case during the final blessing, because I know that’s the last time that I’m ever gonna see her. But as I type this, I hear her laugh, and I imagine her smile. And although I’m never gonna hear that sound ever again, I suppose she’s doing well from the lighthouse, probably enjoying a cone of ice cream or a glass of iced tea — her favorites, looking over us as we wait to see her on the other side when the time comes.

We will miss you, Nang Tura. May you rest in the peace that you have always deserved.

A Year from the Possible “Impossible Dream”

This afternoon, my boyfriend and I were talking about this part-time job I’m interested in taking. I see it as an opportunity for growth, considering that I am planning a career that deals with facing a lot of people. I said that if I engage in this part-time job now, I would have a readily available fallback in case it would already be necessary for me to drop my full time job for law school, let’s say, when I’m already preparing for the bar exam.

Everything was so easy to say but then it suddenly hit me when he asked, “Kaya mo ba pagsabayin yan lahat? Work, school, part-time?” (Can you handle everything simultaneously?)

I remembered my Mom juggling full time work as a high school teacher, part-time college professor in two universities, and studying her masters degree full time while still being a mom and a wife. So I said, if she can, then I can, too.

It brought me to googling articles and forums that talked about law school and working full time, eventually leading me to this blog post: A Full-Time Working, Full-Load Law Student.

Now I say that I am finally ready to face everything. I am now ready to sacrifice time and money for this lifelong dream. If others can, why can’t I?

This probably means less travels, compromise in relationships and social life, ultimate maximization of resources and exceptional time management and prioritization skills. Imagining the demands of full and part time work plus how law school can be such a jealous paramour, it would probably cost me a lot. But like it’s been said many times, in the end, it will all be worth it.

I will probably let go of promotions that may come along the way, because higher post means more responsibilities, and I can’t afford that while studying for my Juris Doctor degree. But for the sake of the A-T-T-Y before my name after a few years of risk and sacrifice, I will take the courage of saying “No.”

Next year, hopefully, I’m already getting myself ready for this chapter – a whole new challenge to overcome. For now, I think I should probably take all the sleeps that I can get and load all the Netflix shows that I can binge watch. It won’t be too long until I become a zombie.