An Open Letter to My Moving On Self

Hello there Little Miss Poet,

Oh yes. I know you make poems out of everything you feel, may it be joy, pain, sorrow or triumph – I know because they’re written all over the pages of every notebook I saw on your closet the other day while fixing your things. And as deep as I have known you, I know you’ve immortalized many people through your poems. And you know what? Those people are lucky. They’re so lucky to be living forever through your masterpiece.

But I’m not going to talk about your poetry now. Let your works do it because they can actually talk for themselves. Let’s talk about you, and what you’re currently going through.

I know it’s hard. I know you’ve already felt heartaches before, but I, too, know very well that what you’re feeling right now is one of the most painful feelings you’ve ever had. But hey, life goes on, my dear. But okay, let’s talk about it if it will make you feel better.

Hey, stop. Stop enumerating the beautiful moments you’ve had with him. Stop reminiscing how he held your hands, especially the very first time. Stop remembering how he stole a kiss on your cheek out of pure joy that he finally can call you his. Stop recalling the time he wiped the tears out of your eyes. Stop counting in the flashbacks of the moments that you’ve laughed and smiled with him. Stop considering how he made a personal dreamcatcher for you, how he drew your portrait as a gift for your birthday, and how he surprised you with your favorite things. Stop thinking about how it felt when he hugged you, and how your world stopped when his lips were passionately on yours. Stop inhaling the view of how happy you were and how you both didn’t care about the world because you were both truly, madly, and deeply in love with each other.

Yes, I understand. I understand and I could attest that the love was true. A connection like that couldn’t just be nothing. It couldn’t just be an ordinary love. I know that it wasn’t. I know that it was something that you could be proud of how genuine and intense it was.

But you, too, have to understand that people, things, and feelings change. And he has come to that point. So if you’d still keep an eye on those wonderful memories, you won’t be able to move forward.

There. There you go. Good job.

Remember all those petty fights where you had to say sorry even if it was not your fault just because you wanted to save the relationship. Those times when you had to compromise things because he had other priorities to attend to. Those moments when you asked him to do something for you and he said no just because he chickened out.

I’m not telling you to hate him, but I believe this is the first step. Remember how he lied to you. How he made up stories just so he could put up a nice image before leaving. Remember how painful it felt when you discovered that the real reason is another woman. Remember how you weren’t able to eat because you were still trying to fix things while unknown to you, he was already taking another girl out. Remember how you slapped his face when you confronted him. Remember how you even hugged him because you just loved him so much that you felt guilty of slapping him because he lied to you.

And remember how he pushed you away when you hugged him tight. Remember how he told you to leave his house, leave his life, and leave him alone. Remember how he cursed on the last text messages he sent you. Remember how he played guilt-tripping but clearly said that he’s not in love with you anymore. Remember what you’ve sacrificed and given up for him but he still chose to hurt you.

Yes, definitely. You don’t deserve that! You don’t deserve to be lied to. You don’t deserve to be cheated on. You don’t deserve to feel guilty just because you slapped the face of someone who gave up on you. You don’t deserve to be pushed away. You don’t deserve to be told to leave. You don’t deserve to be cursed. You don’t deserve to feel guilty because you never wanted to hurt him.

Yes, you don’t deserve him.

Yes, you deserve someone better. Oops! No, you deserve the best. You deserve someone who will support your fascination over Harry Potter and obsession over coffee, books, and poetry. You deserve someone who’ll take your weirdness in music for being a fan of classics and punk rock at the same time. Someone who’ll be willing to take an era back because you like love letters and serenades. Someone who won’t get intimidated by your ambitious dreams and life goals. Someone who’ll accept you for who you are wholeheartedly. Someone who’ll stick with you no matter how complicated you are, and no matter how hard the situation is. You deserve someone who’ll be willing to take an extra mile and someone who’ll never give up on you. You deserve someone who’ll stay even when you don’t ask him to. And most of all, you deserve someone who’ll look at you as if you’re God’s greatest gift to him.

You’ve done more than enough. You have already admitted that you’re not perfect, but I saw how much you tried to be the best for him. I saw how much you tried to make him happy, especially during those times when he was feeling down. I saw how much you made him feel loved with every kiss and every hug. Let things end there. Let the good memories remain as memories and let the bad ones fly as the feelings die.

You’re doing good, my dear. Just keep going. In no time, you’ll get healed, and you’ll be ready to love again. Yes, I know you’ve put your guards up once more, higher than before. But don’t worry. In God’s perfect time, someone who’s worth it will come, and he’ll be willing to take them down, and will never let you put them up again. Ever.

So smile because the best is yet to come! Focus on yourself and be the best that you can be. Surround yourself with people who love to see you happy. Cheer up! You’re awesome. 😉

Minimizing the Casualties

Since grade school, I have always loved reading. My Mom even reached a point wherein she had to control my addiction to novels. Yes, I reached that point. It’s weird and geeky and nerdy but I guess nothing’s wrong with being too obsessed over novels so I’d say that it’s fun to be weird and geeky and nerdy.

I had been a fan of Nicholas Sparks since sixth grade upon reading (and watching) ‘A Walk to Remember’. That book was the first romantic novel I have ever read and it was really just bittersweet. I burst into tears when I came into this line as I had pictured out a scene in my head: It was, I remembered thinking, the most difficult walk anyone ever had to make. In every way, a walk to remember.

And I would never get tired of saying [and explaining] how I would’ve wanted that scene to be shown because the movie made it so easy for Jamie to walk down the aisle. MAN, JAIMIE WAS ON HER WHEELCHAIR THAT DAY AND SHE STRUGGLED TO STAND UP ON HER FEET AND WALK TOWARDS LANDON AT THE ALTAR. THAT SCENE SHOULD’VE BEEN MORE DRAMATIC!!!

But anyway… It’s done. The movie went pretty well and amazing and of course, heartbreaking, except for that scene.

Though I have watched more and more tragic love stories, ‘A Walk to Remember’ remained to be solely number one on my list. The movie, too, stayed as my favorite tragic love story. It’s the book that I have read for around four or five times now, and the movie I have watched for a number I cannot remember. I could even recite majority of their lines. I might annoy you if you get to watch it with me.

Not until I have read John Green‘s ‘The Fault in our Stars’. The story had my heart shattered into tiny pieces and it took me a long time to get over the story. When John Green announced that it’s going to hit the big screen, I got so psyched and promised myself that I’m going to watch it during the premiere week. And yes, I didn’t break that promise to myself. Now, AWTR and TFIOS are on the same spot, both the book and the movie.

I went out the cinema with tears in my eyes and pain in my chest, though not as much as what I have felt while reading the book; but man, the movie really just killed me. And yes, I have watched it again [and again, and again] even though it’s actually emotional suicide.

I'm a grenade
Source: Google

I can’t help but relate myself with Hazel Grace Lancaster when she told Augustus Waters that she’s a grenade, and I quote:

Movie:

Gus, I’m a grenade. One day, I’m going to blow up, and I’m going to obliterate everything in my wake. And I don’t want to hurt you.

Book:

I’m a grenade and at some point I’m going to blow up and I would like to minimize the casualties, okay?

Not in a way that I’m ill and I’m going to die anytime soon, because NO, I believe that I’ve got a long life to reach my goals, explore the world and make my dreams come true. But I’m a grenade. I could hurt people anytime because I have the tendency to NOT understand myself and then MESS things up. I hurt people even if I do not intend to because I’m afraid to be the one who’s going to feel deeper pain afterwards. I know I’m strong enough to handle it but hey, even the strongest people get their knees weak from time to time.

But what’s not to hope?

All your efforts to keep me from you are gonna fail.
Source: Google

I believe that GOD has made my own Augustus Waters out there. Maybe not in the same manner as what Gus had been to Hazel, but for at least making the effort to break the walls I had built around me. Gus is real.

You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.
Source: Google

You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I can’t tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity.

And there’s going to be that infinity. And it’s not going to be little, it’s going to be BIG. It’s going to be that bigger infinity in “Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.”

But for now, I’m trying my best in minimizing the casualties. I don’t want to be one of them, and I don’t want to be the cause for someone to be one of them.