Guard Your Heart

12 of #100HappyThings

The past three months of my self-imposed recovery period was pathetic. I admit that I had been ranting over Twitter and Snapchat about irrelevant stuff. I had to let it all out until there’s no more, until I can finally say, “Hey, I’m done with it.”

Experiences like this will happen to us in our lifetime at least once, and it will make us question our worth, lower our self-esteem, wonder why we weren’t good enough despite everything we’ve done – it will make us ask ourselves, “What’s wrong with you?” I wouldn’t deny becoming the annoying crazy ex-girlfriend. No, I never begged for him to come back, I didn’t even thought of asking him to reconcile to be friends again. I needed time. I needed to feel sad and angry to make me say that I’m finally okay. And as I write the words right at this very moment, it feels good to not feel any grudge anymore towards the people who hurt me. It feels good to finally say without bitterness, “Thank God it happened.”

Though there are still some flashbacks that cross my memory sometimes, I’m glad that they’re already blurry. There are no more vivid views of them at the back of my mind. I still do have regrets, yes, but I still have a bigger life in front of me, and that’s what matters.

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And so I say this to myself: Let yourself fall, but guard your heart, and let God unfold whatever it is that He has planned for you. Your perfect time with the perfect person will come. Just trust Him.

Finding Happiness

I’ve heard a thousand times that happiness comes from within, and that in order to completely be happy, you should follow your heart.

But what if in following your heart, you’re going to hurt people? You’re going to to hurt those people who have always been there for you from the very beginning… Those who have never left your side even when you’ve already disappointed them a hundred times… How could you be happy if your personal preference of happiness is not the happiness of the people who care for you?

I wonder, if I had been strong enough to follow my will, to stick with what I want and to stand for what I believe in, would I completely be happy? Is listening to your heart synonymous to becoming selfish?

I have always become mindful of following whatever the knowledgeable would say. Perhaps they know what’s best for me, I would tell myself. They’re never going to ask me to do things that will put me into harm. Yes, they won’t. Definitely. They want the best for me so much that even my emotions must be controlled. But…

What about me, myself and I? What about my personal choice? If following your heart means being selfish and if being selfish means you’re nothing but an ingrate, then how do you find complete happiness? How do you find yourself when you’re a lost wanderlust in this world because you were never allowed to explore in the first place? How do you know when everything’s just too much and you just have to put yourself first this time? How do you know when it’s time to spread your own wings to fly to the direction where your heart is telling you to go? When everybody’s saying “Go North,” when is it finally right to go South, the path you’ve always wanted to take?

It’s frustrating, indeed, to be in a world where you have to feel happy because you’ve pleased those who have done nothing but to put you on top. You want to make them smile, you want to make them proud, you want to make them elated, but you want to make sure you’re not banning yourself from happiness, too. It’s frustrating when you can’t do them at the same time. It’s sickening to always have choices and you have to give something up, and you’re left with two excruciating options – to give up what you love, and to give up what you love.

Tell me now, how do you find happiness?