Enraptured Reality

Phantasm. Bewilderment. Clairvoyance.


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Can I go home?

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They said when you’re down,

When behind every smile is a frown,

Take a quick drive and you will reach

A special nook by the beach;

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#100HappyThings Project

The past few weeks had really been a challenge for me. I battled with mild depression due to several circumstances. I wasn’t able to eat right for around two weeks or so and suffered insomnia as well. I kind of lost my normal cheerful self, but I think I did my best in faking my mood. I did my best to keep up though. After a week of drinking glasses of cocktails and beer instead of dealing with the real stuff, I decided to cross out that scene and went to catch-up dates with my friends instead. Indeed, going out in the open helped me recover.

The whole month of May had been a rollercoaster of emotions. It made me realize a lot of things. As I gather every single day of struggle in my memory, I can’t help but be proud of how I am able to smile now… Of how I am able to smile genuinely again. I have never felt this kind of liberation for a long time, and I thank God for unlocking my cages. This time, I’m ready to see the world without anything that’s holding me back. This time, I am ready to take over. This time, I am ready to heal.

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That’s why I’m launching my first project for 2016: #100HappyThings. I guess I’ll be doing this as part of my own healing process. The moment I reach the 100th Happy Thing, I know I will already be a better, stronger and wiser person than who I am now.

It’s time.

“But here’s the deal, sweet stranger. You deserve to be the protagonist of your own wonderful, bizarre, terrifying little life. If you decide you are enough, you are enough. You don’t need to wait for some grand external validation of your worth before you offer your kindest heart to yourself.”

(Kathy Brown,A Letter To The Woman Who Won’t Buy Herself Flowers)


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Everyday Survival

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I need a reset button in my life now.

I wake up every morning trying to think what my life would’ve been if I was born in a different place or a different time. I’ve started to wonder what life would’ve been if I could restart everything and erase the past and present, all my memories included.

But no. There are a lot of memories that I just can’t let go. There are a lot of memories that, even though I’ve encountered pain, could actually overpower all those tears and trials that I had been through.

Eleutheromania. According to Wiktionary, this means “a great desire or obsession with freedom.” With that, I think I have found the perfect definition of what I really want in life: FREEDOM.

Everything in my life seems to be controlled – from the clothes I wear, to my little decisions and up to the very desires of my heart.

I’ve never actually cared about what others would say about my actions, but I am never allowed to become who I really am. I have to be prim and proper, and I have to stick with the values taught by the society to be respected and to be accepted. What’s worse, I do not even know who I really am. One thing’s for sure though – I am not who I am.

I am not after material things, I am after the experience. I am not after the looks and the riches, I am after the company and care. I am not after the status and fame, I am after the enjoyment and happiness. I am always after what I had been taught be of no numerical value.

Perhaps I’m different. Perhaps for me, living in accordance with the norms isn’t actually living, but merely existing. Perhaps for me, being accepted by everyone because you are what the society considers good is actually no good at all. Perhaps for me, you don’t have to dwell in the past to make the most out of everything. Perhaps for me, books and coffee are simply the most perfect pair in the world. Perhaps for me, mountains and oceans are more wonderful than extravagantly engineered buildings. BUT I WASN’T TAUGHT THAT WAY. THE SOCIETY HAS TAUGHT US OTHERWISE.

I wish we were taught that numbers will always be just numbers, and that the best things in life can never be measured. I wish I had learned earlier what life really means. I wish I had the courage to really follow my heart and care less so I can take charge of my happiness. I wish I had the courage to really live this life.

I know I can’t take my status, my recognitions, and my wealth to the grave, but I can carry with me all the wonderful memories until the next life. But how can I, if each time that I let my real self out, I am judged and I am called selfish?

I am intimately murdered every day with emotional blackmail. I wish I could still have the chance to make it.