Just a few weeks ago, maybe around mid-April until before May ended, I was in a state of not knowing what had been happening with me.
I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to do anything, nothing seemed to excite me, I didn’t want to go out with people, I couldn’t laugh with my boyfriend no matter how hard he tried to lift my spirit up, I cried every night with no particular reason while trying my best to not be heard by anyone, and all other things that just made me feel like the best thing to do was just end things.
No, I didn’t come close to suicidal thoughts (mercy), but I did come close to leaving everything behind and just start anew at a place where nobody knows me. I thought of shutting people down – my family, my man, my friends, and forget about the things I worked so hard for – my work, my dreams… Everything. It was a tough stage. I wasn’t sure if it was part of the so-called quarter life crisis; all I know is that I wasn’t fine, and I was afraid to admit that I wasn’t fine, but I couldn’t pretend that I was fine.
I opened up with my boyfriend, and I thank the heavens for having someone who never got tired [and still, never gets tired] of hearing me out when I just couldn’t take things anymore. I tried opening up with friends, but only some understood what I had been going through (shoutout to my ‘support group’, you guys are the best and I owe you big time). I tried opening up with my parents and siblings, but I guess they have a different perspective of things and they just couldn’t get me.
It was a hard cry. For days I was restless even though I hadn’t been doing anything. I felt suffocated and I felt so wrong. Being called selfish when all I ever did was put people first before considering the things that I really want just made things even worse.
After several days of not being my normal annoying self, a big block suddenly hit me: NO, I SHOULDN’T STAY THIS WAY. I didn’t know how it happened, but there was just a turn around of things. I got up my feet and sang my songs again. Maybe the trip to Bicol (oh yes, I went to Bicol for Kuya Dom’s wedding – my first long trip without the family and my first long trip with Errol!) and the constant talk with The Support Group helped.
I still have some episodes of the drowned feeling every once in awhile, but at least, it’s no longer a constant thing. I’m sharing this with you because I know that some readers who might be going through what I have gone through and am currently going through would come across this blog post. So to you, who’s perhaps going through something right now, you’re not alone. We’re all fighting our own battles of different intensities using our varied levels of tolerance. I know it’s easier said than done, but sooner or later, you’re gonna get it all together. (*plays Coldplay‘s Up&up*)
Right now, I’m just preparing myself for a step up by August (yes you’ve read that right!) at work. I know it’s gonna be a challenge since I’ll also be going back to school next month, but I know I’ll make it. Walang mahirap para sa pangarap. That leads me to sharing how psyched I am to be admitted at the University of the Philippines – Open University‘s Post-baccalaureate Diploma in Computer Science. YAY!!! I was actually losing hope because I didn’t receive any admission notice during the last week of June (I was expecting for the results to be out during that period), but July 1st came and yes, I finally received my electronic admission notice for the Post-bac DCS program, Diliman being my Learning Center. (For more information about the University of the Philippines Open University or UPOU, click here).
And yeeeep! I can finally call myself an Iskolar ng Bayan! #RoadtoSablay2019
With all that had happened over the past few months, I came to a realization that hard things, too, shall pass. I know I’ll still have moments when I’d go back to that state (though I certainly wish not to), but I guess I’ve got to hold on to HOPE – it’s all I’ve got.